Change

Five Short Chapters on Change


by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown

Chapter 1.I walk down a street and there's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. It takes forever to get out. It's my fault.



Chapter 2.I walk down the same street. I fall in the hole again. It still takes a long time to get out. It's not my fault.



Chapter 3. I walk down the same street. I fall in the hole again. It's becoming a habit. It is my fault. I get out immediately.



Chapter 4. I walk down the same street and see the deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.



Chapter 5. I walk down a different street.




What is this all about?




Chapter 1
Here you are going about your day. Perhaps you are distracted. You are not watching where you are going physically and mentally. You fall into something physical or mental (a mindset.) Since you weren't thinking or looking it takes you a while to get out of this place or mess. You blame yourself for not paying attention.




Chapter 2
Oh no. You did not learn from your mistake and you did the same thing again. However, this time it was not your fault. Something got in your way and tripped you up. (again)




Chapter 3
Same old same old. You keep going down that same street but you still did not learn there is a hole there. You are now developing a habit of going somewhere you know will trip you up. You fall and you now know that you are responsible for not acknowledging the hole. You get out of it easily this time. You have learned how to get out of the mess but you still have not learned how to avoid the mess.




Chapter 4
Progress. You now know there is a hole. You avoid it but.... you are still going down that same avenue. You are still taking the long way and maybe the wrong way to get to where you want to go.




Chapter 5 Enlightenment, Consciousness. You have finally learned to choose a different path.




Is this you? Are you an obstinate learner? You do not have to be. Skip steps 2 through 4 and jump ahead to step 5. It is easy and you can do it. Here is how.




Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Sweet Dreams

Grow Great by Dreams by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown

The question was once asked of a highly successful businessman: "How have you done so much in your lifetime?"
He replied, "I have dreamed. I have turned my mind loose to imagine what I wanted to do. Then I have gone to bed and thought about my dreams. In the night I dreamt about my dreams. And when I awoke in the morning, I saw the way to make my dreams real.

While other people were saying, 'You can't do that, it isn't possible,' I was well on my way to achieving what I wanted." As Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the U.S., said: "We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers."

They see things in the soft haze of a spring day, or in the red fire on a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nourish them through bad days until they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true."

So please, don't let anyone steal your dreams, or try to tell you they are too impossible.

"Sing your song, dream your dreams, hope your hope and pray your prayer."
Thomas Edison tried two thousand different materials in search of a filament for the light bulb. When none worked satisfactorily, his assistant complained, "All our work is in vain. We have learned nothing."

Edison replied very confidently, "Oh, we have come a long way and we have learned a lot. We now that there are two thousand elements which we cannot use to make a good light bulb."

What do you dream of? Many of us have put our dreams aside. We have put our dreams aside because life inteferred. Our focus has moved from day to day survival and just getting through the day. Some of us were chastized for having dreams. Dreams are impractical. We were told to grow up. Some of us have put aside our dreams for a later date.

What dreams can you go back to and re incorporate into your life? Is there a difference between a goal and a dream? Are your dreams day dreams? Perhaps your dreams are temporary escapes into a world you believe you will not inhabit.

Perhaps it is time to re visit your dreams. Perhaps it is time to share these dreams with yourself and someone special that can support your dreams. Perhaps it is time for you to support yourself in seeking your dreams.

Visit my website and see what's there to help you re claim your dreams.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Desire

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Weak desire brings weak results."*Napoleon Hill

To desire is to wish for; to crave; to aspire to; to long for.

Desire is a hot emotion. It is a strong emotion. It is one of those emotions that you can drive you nuts. It can also be a strong motivator to get what you want. How many times have you achieved something becasuse you desired it? Was it easy to get what you desired? Probably easier to get what you desired than something you wanted to or needed.

Desire can get you moving. Desire can also help you separate what you really want and what you think you want.

How in touch are you with yourself? Can you differentiate what you desire from your other wants? Can you use desire to get you what you want?

Here are some quotes about "Desire"

Napoleon Hill

Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.

Denis Waitley

Out of need springs desire, and out of desire springs the energy and the will to win.

Claude M. Bristol

One essential to success is that your desire be an all obsessing one, your thoughts and aims be co-ordinated, and your energy be concentrated and applied without letup.

Christian Nevell Bovee

We trifle when we assign limits to our desires, since nature hath set none.

James Allen

To desire is to obtain; to aspire is to achieve.

Bobby Unser

Desire! That's the one secret of every man's career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire.

Eric Hoffer

It sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents.

William James

If you care enough for a result, you will most certainly attain it.

Paul Vernon Buser

Desire, like the atom, is explosive with creative force.

Raymond Hollingwell

Desire creates the power.

As you can see there are a variety of takes on desire. What does it mean to you and how is it incorporated into your life? What do you desire? Let me know.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Disappointments

How Do You Handle Disappointments?


I asked the question, "How do you deal with disappointments?"
I got a couple of different answers. I think they are all interesting takes on how to deal with disappointments.

I think that we will all experience disappointments. I do not think they are avoidable. I think that how we handle them is what is important. I also think we can learn from our disappointments. Sometimes they are a wake up call. Sometimes they are strong motivators. Clearly they are on our minds because these answers are definitive. Each one is a well concieved plan on how to handle disappointments. Kind of like there is a definitve approach to take.

In all the answers no one talked about feeling lost, hurt, lonely and sad.

That is what seems to be missing from these answers. Feelings are missing from these answers. I am a believer in experiencing your feelings and not stuffing them with actions. So the next time you are disappointed experience what that feels like. Don't avoid the feeling. Just move through it. Cry or scream if you need to. Once you have acknowledged how you feel then check out some of these suggestions. Let me know how you feel and deal with your disappointments.

• Make it happen. If it's not something over which you have control, then let it go. Don't let your happiness rely upon something that someone else has direct control.




• If you are disappointed it's your fault and you need to work on it. It's your responsibility to make it work for you




• It depends on the scale of disappointment, but usually I'll just move on. If it's something bigger, then I might think of something special to get or do, which will cheer me up and make me forget the disappointment, at least temporarily.




• There are no disappointments. When things don't happen the way you wanted them to, it's because you didn't set the right stage. So I think the problem here is to work on your setting rather to be depressed. And the outcome will always be in your favor. That's the way it works.




• disappointments are blessings in disguise---everything happens for a reason.




• try not to expect anything out of things or people If you expect nothing it's better to be pleasantly surprised rather than be angry or upset when something "lets you down". This goes for things or people.




• I would find another way to make it happen. I don't obsess I keep on trying. Success means getting up one more time is my motto.




• I just try to accept the fact that is simply isn't for me. I truly believe in God.. so if it were suppose to happen it will cause God has planed it for me ... If not then there is a solid reason.




• For me, I just try not to get my hopes up. If you have low expectations...then there won't be much of a let down right?

Let me know how you deal with your disappointments.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Check out my website and see if there is some thing that can be of value to you.

What is Your Life About?

For so many of us life is about getting by, making it through the day, surviving. It is like we are on a treadmill. We are putting in the effort, doing the work, trying our best but we never seem to get anywhere. Even when we see progress it is short lived. It is a momentary high we experience only to be jolted back to our reality. This one beam of sunshine is overshadowed by all our other problems and struggles.





This is the plight of your life at the present. But there is the future. And before you know it the future becomes the present. What if you could intervene in your future and create a new present? What if this new present was not drudgery and getitng by? What if this new present was one of getting what you wanted?





There is a way for this to happen to you. It won't be instantaneous. Sorry to be the bearer of that piece of information. I am not going to be disingenuous with you. When I look back at my accomplishments I had to work and struggle for them. Kind of like what you are doing right now except you don't get the rewards for what you are doing.





So why not do something that will give you the rewards? If you skeptical then keep doing what you are doing but.... add something to that. Do what you are doing plus something else.





Start a new project that will alter your future. Devise a plan and allocate time to this project.





Over time I will share with you some ideas and products that will put you on the path to altering your future. For now I just want this to soak in and let you get into a new mind set. I want you to invision getting off the treamill. I want you to envision putting some joy back into your life. I want you to envision getting the rewards you deserve.





Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS If you are in a hurry then check out some of my past posts.

Ewen Chia and Me

I am an honest person. So I have to admit that I do not know Ewen Chia nor does he know me. I've seen his photo and he is kind of cute. But I am not here to discuss his looks. Rather I want to talk about one of his products Auto Pilot Profits.

I am intrigued by the internet. I am also intrigued by money. I'd like to say I don't want it but I do need it. I love to travel and that is where if I had more money I would be extravagant. Of course I like to eat and look nice and I need to pay for somewhere to live. I also like cable TV and music and shows and eating out (on occasion) and all these things require money.

You get the picture and know what I mean. It seems that essentials are expensive. The extravagances are sometimes out of reach. That is why I was interested in Ewen Chia's Auto Pilot Profits. I need money for the essentials as well as the extras. I also like to work for myself. Me and the boss don't always click.

Before I got Auto Pilot Profits I read a review. This review promised to discuss the product and include the pros and cons. The review convinced me to get the product. See for yourself.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS When you get the prodcut let me know how it works for you.

DVD TO IPOD

Hey, that is not me. That is a logo for a really exciting product I discovered. Here's the scoop. I know you and your IPOD are best buds. You probably go everywhere together. Your IPOD had your fav tunes. But what about your fav DVD's? I bet you bought a lot of those boxed TV show DVD sets. You know the ones that have a whole season of your favorite TV show.

How would you like to watch those on your IPOD? This software product will easily transfer your DVD's to your IPOD for your viewing pleasure. Now you will be royally entertained anywhere. Anywhere your IPOD goes your entertainment goes also.

Check it out here.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

You can be an Author

I bet you have a lot to say. I also bet there are things you are interested in. Probably things you are even an expert in.

I also bet that some of these interests would be hobbies. Hobbies that you spend money on and enjoy very much.

How would you like to make money from these hobbies instead of spending money on these hobbies? How would you like to share your expertise and make money by doing that?

I know the answer, of course yes. One more questions? How would you like to learn how to write your own e book? Forget the hassle of a publisher. You are the publisher and you publish your e book on the Internet. And you make money from your e book. If you are ready for a book you can still write a report. Or you can consider writing fiction or poetry.

The choices are endless. All you need is your imagination. Jim Edwards has written an e book that tells you how to write an e book. He also tells you how to publish your e book. He also states you can do this in 7 days.

Amazing. Check it out and get your creative juices flowing.

Marci, Your Confidence Coach

Forgiveness

FORGIVENESS
What happens to you when you cannot forgive?
Resentment
Hatred
Anger
Fear
Grudge Holding
Hostility
Struggle
Chained to the past
Self Righteousness
Self Pity
Negative Focus
Bitterness


Someone did you wrong. Someone hurt you. Can you forgive them? Never. Their behavior and actions were wrong, horrible, thoughtless, cruel, hurtful , unconscionable etc.

We have all felt like this. When you are at the place where forgiveness is not an option think again. Does failing to forgive hurt the other person? Sometimes is does but it ALWAYS hurts you. Perhaps you can forgive the person but not the behavior. That is perfectly fine and the way to go. Some behaviors are not acceptable. Some behaviors may be unforgivable. But how about the person. Can you forgive them? Yes you can if you think of forgiveness as letting go. It is letting go of all the powerful emotions you feel when you are hurt. This is to your benefit not the other person. You forgive to heal yourself not the other person.

Forgiveness if not a favor we do for someone else. It is what we do for ourselves. We release the powerful emotions that are muddling up our thoughts and joy.

Can you forgive yourself if you are the one that did the hurtful deed? Do you angush over what you did? It is the same whether you are hurt or the one that did the hurting.

Think back to when you were able to forgive. You sensed a release. You felt relaxed. The tension left your body. Your mind became open again to listen, enjoy, participate.

I found some quotes about forgiveness for you to ponder.

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,Therefore, we are saved by hope.Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;Therefore, we are saved by faith.Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.Therefore, we are saved by love.No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.
Reinhold Niebuhr:

Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.
Sidney and Suzanne Simon

To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!

"In this life. . . we are unable to forget whatever remains unforgiven. So, if we won't let go of some pain - whose time has now past - then who is to blame for the weight of this burden still being carried on our back?"
Guy Finley

"There are those who will tell you why it is wise to never forget the pain of the past. . . but if you look closely at the anger, sorrow, and bitterness that has hardened their faces, then you will also see why learning to forgive is the better of the two paths."
Guy Finley

Mona Gustafson Affinito says, "Forgiveness means deciding not to punish a perceived injustice, taking action on that decision, and experiencing the emotional relief that follows."

I also found a short quizz for you to take to see where you are at on forgiveness.
Quizz

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Drop me a note.

Have to or Want to???

HAVE TO OR WANT TO?

Have to:
to be required, compelled, or under obligation

Want to:
to feel a need or a desire for; wish for
Want to:
to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire

What is the difference between wanting to do something and having to do something?
If you have to do something it is a must. That does not mean you will do it but the must part makes it imperative and important. By the definition have to is something that is outside of you. An outside force is telling you that you must do this certain thing.

If you want to do something it is related to an inside feeling. Wanting to do something seems to be a part of you. Having to do something seems to be inflicted on you by something outside of you. Despite these differences there are probably things you want to do but you may not do these things.
So what is really going on here? Why do you resist doing what you have to do and what you want to do? Are you more likely to do what you have to do or what you want to do?

How were you raised? What rules did your parents teach you? Did they tell you that there are things you must do even if you do not want to do them? Are you one of those people that does what you have to and your life is lacking joy?

Or were you raised with your parents instructing you that you can't always do what you want? Were they trying to set you on the right path by telling you to be responsible? Did you rebel and do what you wanted to do? Is your life exciting but messy because you do what you want?

Who do you admire? Do you admire the ones that do what they want or the ones that “do the right thing?”

What about balance? Does it have to be one way or the other? This is a conundrum. There is no right answer. Consider the expression, “If you do what you enjoy you will succeed.” Trite but sometimes true. If you are not responsible you will spend your time catching up to correct or deal with what you did not do. What happens if you spend you life doing what you have to waiting for the chance later on to do what you want. You put in the time hoping, waiting for it to pay off. It can pay off but sometimes it just doesn't.

I have been considering this. Perhaps there is a way to do what you want and what you have to and enjoy them both is this. What if you were in the present moment? That means if you are watching a sunset you do just that. You watch a sunset. You enjoy the sunset. You are in the present moment.

You are not thinking about what you have to do or want to do. You can do that next but for now you are enjoying yourself just watching a sunset. Would the pleasure from a sunset make the “have to tasks” a little easier and more do able? You are in a good mood from your sunset so now you can tackle the things you “have to do.” Would the pleasure from the sunset allow you to re think those things that you wanted to do? Try it. See if you can do something and just enjoy it. Just be there in the moment. See if that gives you momentum. See if that makes your life lighter. See if that gives you perspective. See if that gives you balance.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Magnetic Marketing

Remember back to the time when you were a kid? Remember when you played with a magnet. We all used a magnet. We would dump out a bunch of paper clips and whip out our magnet. Like magic the paper clips would jump onto the magnet. It was not magic but attraction. The magnet attracted the paper clips.

What if you could do this in your business life? What if you knew the way to attract customers ?What if you knew the way to attract customers to your product? What if you could "exert a strong attractive power or charm"? It would seem like magic. But it would actually be science.

Magnetic Marketing http://www.surefiremarketing.com/magnetic/?48752 teaches you the art of persuasion. Magnetic Marketing shows you how to showcase your products or services. Large businesses hire top notch advertising agencies to develop a magnetic marketing campaign. You can do this for yourself, save money, make money and use this technique over and over for each new product and service you promote.

There is also a bonus for your personal life. Using Magnetic Marketing will give you insight into other people. Using Magnetic Marketing will help you think in a new fashion. From new thinking comes new ideas. Persuasion is a powerful tool to communicate your thoughts and ideas clearly.

Get Magnetic Marketing http://www.surefiremarketing.com/magnetic/?48752 and start attracting sales, success and whatever else you have been striving for.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Product Launch Formula

What if you had one chance and limited income to launch a new product? Would you experiment or would you use a method that was tested and had a track record of results?

They key to being successful in business is to learn from other people's mistakes. The other key is to learn from other people's successes. Business can be tricky and tough but when you are introduced to no brainer you have to rejoice.

When someone shows you step by step how to get your product off the ground you can't say no...unless you already know this....or you are of the obstinate kind and like to make your own mistakes.

I know you are not of the obstinate kind because if you were you would have probably closed up shop by now. The obstinate ones don't succeed in business.

I know you are going to check out this product because you want to succeed. All you need is a method which this product will give you. So go ahead - be successful. Do it the right way. Do it the easy way. Do it the way it will work

http://www.productlaunchformula.com/?17935

Work smart not hard.

http://www.productlaunchformula.com/?17935

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Paris Hilton and You

What do you and Paris Hilton have in common? You and Paris Hilton do have this one question in common. You and Paris Hilton probably think about this issue more after something bad happens. But you both think about and experience it.

Who do you trust? How do you decide who is trustworthy? How can you tell who is telling you the truth and who is running their game on you? How do you know who is true and who will stab you in the back?

For some of us these are constant questions. Some of use are leery of everyone around us. It is hard for some of us to make friends because each new person is under constant scrutiny and mistrust. Not a happy way to be but a way to protect yourself.

For others these questions may pop up and then go away. The question comes up and we make a quick choice and say - you're okay, and you're not. That is all the investigation we do. Sometimes that works out and sometimes it does not. We've all met someone that dazzled us and then betrayed us. We trusted someone and they did not deserve our trust. We became more cautious. Maybe jaded, suspicious, and apprehensive.

How do you know who to trust? How do you tell who is the good guys? My friend shared with me her discovery. Here is her story.

"Hi, my name is Brandy. Trust has always been difficult for me. My childhood made trust difficult. I decided not to trust anyone. This way of life served my purposes for a while.

When I was older I met people and had friends. I did not get close to them. I never trusted them. I had a routine of what I could tell them etc.

Then one day I had a realization. I suppose it came up because I felt too tightly wound with my routine and restrictions of what I could share and express. I could never let my guard down and it was becoming tiring.

My realization - Could I trust myself? Could I trust myself to make the best decisions? Could I trust myself to the do what is right?

Was my mistrust actually fear and insecurity and anxiety about doing the right thing? I discovered that I lived out of fear because I did not want to make the same mistakes that others made. This fear came up during adversity. I realized how I doubted and second guessed myself each time I had a problem. I was uncertain and confused. I was berating myself and speaking negatively to myself.

That was when I realized that the only person I could trust with confidence was myself. It was freeing and refreshing. I did not have to scrutinize everyone. I could trust myself to make the right choices. If I made a mistake I could love myself to forgive myself.

My life opened up. I still falter and make mistakes. But the fear and restriction are lessened"

Does Paris Hilton trust herself? Can you trust yourself? Learn how to trust yourself and make the right choices for your life.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/SubconsciousProgramming.html

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Are You a Self Disciplinarian?

How do you Treat Yourself?

I am sure there are people in your life that are special. Maybe you even love some of these special people. Lets' start with your family. There are family members that are special and whom you love. How about your pets? Possibly even some friends that you feel this way about. How do you treat people you love and feel are special? Probably with care, affection, fondness, kindness, and thoughtfulness. And I bet you cut them slack when they don't always live up to your expectations of them.

How do you treat yourself? Is it the same way you treat those special people in your life? No, why not? Aren't you special? Do you ever actually appreciate yourself?

Don't you deserve to be cut some slack when you do not live up to your own expectations. Do you expect more from yourself than others? It is fine to expect more from yourself than from others. But if you do not always live up to your expectations do you punish yourself? What is the point of having higher expectations if it leads to more punishment when you disappoint yourself? How does this type of thinking enhance your life?

What is going on here is action-reaction. What is missing is awareness and thought. Here is your scenario. You expect something of yourself. You fall short. You are disappointed and punish yourself. You speak to yourself in a harsh tone. You rag on yourself.

What happened to first thinking about this? Did you give it your best effort. No, okay here is a place to start. Revamp and re consider what other effort you could have used. Can you try that now? Disciplining yourself is a waste of them and can actually stop you from putting in your best effort ever.

Here is an example of this. I have a friend Gina. She has a dog that is practically her whole life. She takes her dog with her everywhere. Yet there are times she should not take her dog with her because her attention can not be focused on her dog. She does not keep a collar on her dog. She is under the belief that her dog does not like wearing a collar. One day she lost her dog while she was on a trip. This was a time she should have left her dog home. This was a time her dog should have worn a collar.

She called me up hysteric that her dogs was lost. Gina was distraught. This dog was the love of her life.

By some miracle her dog was found and returned to her. Did Gina learn a lesson and keep a collar on her dog? No. Why? Gina was so busy reproaching and hating herself for losing her dog that she did not think straight.

If she treated herself in a loving way she could have had the following conversation with herself.

• “I should leave my dog home when I can not watch her with proper attention”
• “I should keep a collar on my dog in case she gets lost”
• “I need to take care of my dog”
• “I need to put the safety of my dog first”

This leads to a plan and a solution to avoid what happened in the future. This type of thinking puts what happened in a perspective. Gina made a mistake. She made an error in judgment. She will learn from this so she can avoid it in the future.

Instead this was the conversation Gina had with herself.

• “Why wasn't I more careful?”
• “Why did my dog run away?”
• “Why was I distracted?”
• “Why was that person asking me such stupid questions and distracting me?”
• “Why didn't I watch my dog better?”
• “Why am I such a bad person?”
• “Why am I so incompetent?”
• “Why didn't I pay closer attention?”
• “Why do I have bad luck?”
• “Why did this happen to me?”
• “How could I have been so stupid, careless, bungling?”

This thinking leads to no solution, no plan. This thinking is thoughtless. This thinking assumes that you are not capable of avoiding this in the future. This thinking is not concentrated. You are blaming yourself, your dog, other people and circumstances.

You are blaming. You are not solving. You are not going any where except in a circle of blame.

So next time before you get out the whip and use it on yourself, DON'T. STOP. Think, review and remember how you treat those that are special and loved.

Fast track yourself to end self punishment. Fast track to treat yourself with care, fondness and love. Fast track yourself to get away from blaming. Fast track yourself to solutions and plans that will benefit yourself and those you love.

This product will show you how.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/SubconsciousProgramming.html

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Get Rid of Guilt

Question: How can you be assertive without hating yourself for limiting someone else's freedom?

I studied this question for a while. I was not sure how to answer it. I was puzzled how to answer it because it is not a question that makes sense to me. The part that confused me was being assertive and hating yourself and limiting someone's freedom.

Hating yourself is a rather strong term. For me to hate myself I would have to commit a very horrible act. An extreme cruelty that was deliberate. Even then I would be disappointed with myself over that action or behavior. I am not sure I would hate myself. I would have to ask forgiveness from myself and of course the person I harmed.

For me being assertive does not equate with "limiting someone's freedom." To me limiting someone's freedom would entail slavery, prison, taking away their livelihood, handicapping them physically etc. Pretty horrible stuff.

One characteristic of being assertive is doing what is right for you. An example of this would be if someone invited you to do something with them. You have other plans. You do not spend the day with your friend. You follow through with the plans you made. How are you limiting your friend's freedom? Your friend is free to do what they choose and they are also free to find another companion if they choose.

Another characteristic of being assertive the ability to say "no". Just because someone asks you to do something does not mean you have to do it. If you say no because you are not willing or able to perform the task that is your choice. I can not see how you are limiting someone else's freedom by making a choice.

I think what the question is getting at is the questioner feels "guilty" if they do not do what everyone wants them to do. You may do things in life that other people are not in agreement with. However, that is really not their business.

If you feel you are limiting someone's freedom by engaging in worthwhile pursuits of your choice there could also be a problem in your relationships with other people. Perhaps the people you assoicate with use guilt to control you. Best to get away from someone like that as quickly as possible.

If that is not the case and you are causing your own guilt then it is time for you to do some serious soul searching. Somewhere along the line you got a lot of thoughts, beliefs and ideas mixed up on your head.

Either way guilt is an emotion that is limiting, draining and destructive. It is mentally and physically destructive to yourself. It is also harmful to those around you.

I would purchase this product immediately. With this type of thinking help is mandatory.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/SubconsciousProgramming.html

This is one of those cases where procrastinating will only harm you. It is time for you to examine this and start to enhnace your life.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

The Air of Confidence

I posed the question, “How can you tell if someone is confident.?”

The overwhelming answer was, “Body Language. How someone carries themselves. An air they elude”

What is this all about? It seems that if you are confident people will just know it. There will be something about you that can not be exactly expressed in words. I think what it also means is there is something inside of you that is readily apparent to all. Kind of like the expression, “It is what inside of you that counts.”

Confidence starts from your thoughts. I f you think confidently you will appear confident. If you believe in yourself others will know this. There will be something special about you that other people notice.

There were also other answers that were quite illuminating.
Replying with enthusiasm.
Relaxed voice
Smiling
Interested in other people
Other people feel good to be with you

Replying with enthusiasm means giving thought to what someone said or asked you. When you reply with enthusiasm you are uplifting not depressing.
A relaxed voice means there is no tension in you voice. Once again you are relaxed so others feel relaxed around you.

Smiling gives people a positive message. It means you are enjoying yourself and enjoying them.
Confident people are interested in other people not themselves. Being interest in what someone has to say creates a rapport.

People like to be around confident people. Confident people show respect for other people. Confident people value other people.

Being confident is a plus in your personal as well as business life. Work will much easier for you if you are confident. People will want to work and co operate with you.

The overall pattern here is that when you are confident you are helping other people feel important, valued and respected. You are doing this by just being confident. You do not have to be the center of attention. Your attention is balanced. People are naturally attracted to you.
There are ways to elude confidence. There are ways to be true to yourself. There are ways to be attractive to other people. You have to start from within yourself. This is a great product that can teach you how.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/SubconsciousProgramming.html

Check it out. Learn how to attract other people and be attractive.

Marcia, Your confidence Coach

Get in the "Habit"

I found this great article on self confidence. I like the way Ms. Raats calls self confidence a "habit".

This article was contributed by by Lois Raats, M.Ed. Lois is a personal and corporate coach. More information on Lois can be found at http://www.coachlois.com . Article on self-confidence by Lois Raats

THE HABIT OF SELF CONFIDENCE

How can I acquire more self-confidence? How can I improve my self-esteem? I wish I could feel as "together" as everyone else seems to be...

I hear these kinds of questions and comments several times each week in my office, from some of the most outwardly successful people you could imagine.

Self-esteem is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence is the foundation for a successful life. People often believe that if they could just feel better about themselves, their lives would go so much better, they would be so much more successful.

But feeling good is not the source of self-esteem.
Rather, feeling good is the by-product of thinking the thoughts, making the choices, and developing the habits that build self-esteem.

Self-esteem is not a feeling. It's a habit. Life consists of an endless series of forks in the road. At any given moment, we are directing our energies - our attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, and habits - down the path that leads to greater self-esteem - or we're propelling ourselves in the opposite direction. It's that simple. If you suffer from low self-worth, it's a good idea to start asking yourself: "What I'm thinking, doing, or being - is it making me feel better about myself, or worse? What do I need to do differently to get me on a better path?"

The good news about this approach is that it's something anyone can learn. Have you ever learned how to ride a bike, or quit a bad habit like smoking? We're talking skills and habits here, not magic. With creativity and focus, practice and willpower, anyone can develop the skills and habits that engender high self-esteem.

I'm not especially concerned about what your background or life experience is like. Life occurs in the present moment. As the saying goes...
The past is history, The future is mystery, This moment is a gift - that's why it's called "The Present"!

If you begin to channel your energy now in the direction you want to go, you will get there, a step at a time.

Stepping Stones to Self-Esteem #1: Self-Awareness
The first step toward improving self-esteem is to gradually begin to increase one's level of self-awareness A person can do this simply by noticing what's currently happening in several areas of their experience.

Since your body never lies, start by noticing any physical sensations related to your current situation, such as shortness of breath, tightness in your neck, shoulders, or back, butterflies in your stomach, headaches or body aches. For example, one of my clients, let's call him Ian, notices that when work starts piling up he gets tense in the shoulders. If he doesn't reorganize his priorities he starts to feel queasy much of the time. If he allows this pattern to continue he starts to have difficulty sleeping. However, if he can catch this pattern at its onset through self-awareness, he then has a choice. Ian can begin to choose the path of caring for and esteeming himself, and he can refrain from neglecting himself and his needs.

Next, notice any feelings you have: anxiety, sadness, panic, anger, elation. If you're not well-acquainted with your feelings, write me an email, and I'll send you a list of feeling words. Feelings emerge spontaneously from the body, so once you're clued in to your body signals, you can attach a word to the sensation that describes how you're feeling. The feeling words Ian attaches to his "tight shoulder" sensation are fear, anger, sadness, and being overwhelmed. Feelings can also be experienced as images or metaphors. Ian says that he often feels "like a tiny boat adrift in huge waves".

Now notice your thoughts. Thoughts are an incredibly important contributor to self-esteem or lack thereof. The good news about thoughts is that they can be controlled. You can use your will to direct your thoughts once you become more self-aware.

Unfortunately, many people are unaware of the extent to which their thoughts are influencing how they feel. We all have a running tape that plays a continuous stream of thoughts in the back of our minds. When Ian gets overwhelmed, he starts to think things like, "What if I can't get this all done by Friday?" "I'm such an idiot, I should be better organized...how come other people in my office seem to get their stuff done by the end of the day?" "I'll never figure this out..." As he becomes more self-aware, he will be able to notice these thoughts before they start to drag him down, and he can choose to substitute more helpful thoughts in their place.

What kinds of tapes do you have playing in the back of your mind? I've found that most people with self-esteem problems are endlessly critical about themselves, worried about what other people think of them, and often worry about what's going to happen next. As part of your self-awareness project, record these thoughts in a little notebook and over time you can begin to replace them with something better.

Lastly, notice your behaviors. What activities are you engaged in that are doing little or nothing for you? What are you currently doing that builds you up? How's your health? Are there people in your life that know you well - and if not, how can you begin to develop a support system? We all need some blend of positive relationships, satisfying work, and fun activities to keep our emotional tanks topped up.

Ian notices that when he begins to feel tanked out due to stress at work he comes home and flakes out on the couch. But when he thinks about it he realizes that while this is relaxing, it isn't really satisfying. Flaking out isn't helping him develop a life that meets his needs or fulfills his values. He's currently re-thinking these choices and making a list of activities that are both relaxing and meaningful. So far, he's considering going to the gym, taking out a few books from the library, or calling a friend.

Habits are merely thoughts and behaviors played out over time. Develop the habit of positive thoughts and helpful behaviors, and, before you know it, you will be feeling good about yourself and your life.

This article was contributed by by Lois Raats, M.Ed. Lois is a personal and corporate coach. More information on Lois can be found at http://www.coachlois.com . Article on self-confidence by Lois Raats
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Can you change your habits? Can you develop new habits that make your life better?

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Questions and comments are always welcome.

www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com

What is Your Emotional Program?

FREE YOURSELF

Did you know that you have been programmed to think and act the way you do? Did you also know that you can re program the way you think and act?

How does this work?

Something happens - your boss yells at you

You have a reaction to this event - you believe your boss should not have yelled at you

Your reaction to this event is emotional - you feel angry

That is the chain of events that have been programmed into you. If you can re program yourself the possibilities are endless. For example:

Something happens - your boss yells at you

You are re programmed and you have a new reaction to this event - you wonder why your boss is in such a bad mood

You are re programmed and your reaction to this event is different - you are not angry at your boss. you want to find out why your boss yelled at you.

Think about how much happier and easier your day would be if you could re program your thoughts. Think about all the energy you waste getting lost in your emotions. Think about all the times your emotions have held you back. Think about all the experiences you missed out on due to your programming.

Think about all the times your emotions interfered with you doing what you wanted to do. Think about how badly you felt when you "acted out." Think about how badly your family felt when you "acted out." Think about all the times you had to say you were sorry because you hurt someone when you acted out.

What if you could put a stop to this? Would you be willing to end this misery? I know you want to live a better, happier, more joyous life. I know you want to be in control of how you behave. I know you want to be in control of what you say. I know you want to stop the pain.

I also know there are things you want to achieve. I know that your emotions and programming are holding you back. I know you can break free and re program your mind to have the life you deserve.

Here is the answer.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/SubconsciousProgramming.html

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

The Narcissism Study (?)

I have been hearing a lot about the "narcissism" study. I tried to stay out of it but I just could not control myself.





The colloquial definition of narcissism is:
An excessive preoccupation with one’s own personal importance, or with achieving one’s own chosen goals rather than bonding with others, or with associating only with others whom one chooses. Sometimes psychologists associate narcissism with psychopathology and lack of conscience, but this need not be the case. But there may be lack of emotional empathy or bonding with others.



Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.






From a psychological stand point a narcissistic personality is defined as:


Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one's self.





Additionally


Symptoms
A person with narcissistic personality disorder:
Reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame, or humiliation


Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals


Has feelings of self-importance


Exaggerates achievements and talents


Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love


Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment


Requires constant attention and admiration


Lacks empathy


Overreacts to criticism, becoming angry or humiliated


Uses others to reach goals


Exaggerates own importance


Entertains unrealistic fantasies about achievements, power, beauty, intelligence or romance


Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment


Seeks constant attention and positive reinforcement from others


Is easily jealous


Has a sense of entitlement


Is interpersonally exploitative


Displays arrogant, haughty behaviours



People who have a narcissistic personality style rather than narcissistic personality disorder are generally psychologically healthy, but may at times be arrogant, proud, shrewd, confident, self-centered and determined to be at the top. They do not, however, have an unrealistic image of their skills and worth and are not dependent on praise to sustain a healthy self-esteem.





I did some research on the "narcissism study". I only found these statements publicized that the researchers (?) so far based their conclusion on.





The NPI is based on results from 1982-2006 of college students’ reactions to statements such as “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place,” “I think I am a special person” and “I can live my life any way I want to.”
The new report follows a study released by UCLA last month which found that nearly three-quarters of the freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be "very well-off financially." That compared with 62.5 percent who said the same in 1980 and 42 percent in 1966.





Looking at these three questions I think the conclusions drawn are spurious. The study periods appear to be 1966, 1980 and 2006. There is no consistency between these time periods. This is not a study that was done for example every ten years.





The first statement, "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place"


When I think about this statement a yes answer can reflect:


Dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs.


A lack of optimism.


A feeling of pessimism.


Belief the world could be a better place if others ideas were considered.





Next statement, "I think I am a special person"


Aren't we all special?


Should we loathe ourselves?


If we do not think we are special how can we appreciate others?


What about the adage, "God helps those that help themselves?"


Doesn't this show confidence and a belief in ourselves to make our own way?





Next statement, "I can live my life the way I want?"


More expressions of confidence


Feeling that you have control over your life


Not a victim


Not a whiner





"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them." George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950


Note the date of this quote 1856-1950 way before the study (?)





Statement. "It is important to be well off financially."


Just check out the news. We all need money. The government is not going to help us. We all need to work longer and longer. Good bye social security, if you could even support yourself from it. We may be taking care of and supporting our elder parents. Medical costs are skyrocketing. The cost of a car is including, insurance, property taxes and gas is huge. Oil prices are up. Credit card interest rates are over the top. Education costs a fortune.





Is it any wonder people think it is important to be financially well off? And by the way what does financially well off mean?





The reason I am including this today is:


Think for yourself. A confident person does some research before they regurgitate buzz info. Do your homework before you revere "experts."





Keep an open mind. A confident person does not just jump on any trendy bandwagon. They think first.





Always be a student. A confident person learns from information.

Perhaps the "researchers" of this study are narcissistic.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Are you an Al?

Getting to Know Yourself
I have a friend, Al. I have known him for many years. Al worked for some major corporations in mid level positions. He was not particularly ambitious. He just coasted along. He was rarely promoted. He got pay raises based on seniority. He did not enjoy his work nor his job. He had to support himself and he stayed where he landed. He rarely looked for other jobs. Yet whenever we spoke he told me how much he wanted to have his own business. From time to time he would send me proposals of businesses he was looking at. He even asked me to be his partner.
Our conversations about him owning his own business were always the same old thing.
Me “I don't think you have the stomach to own your own business.”
Al “Yes I guess you are right but I want to own my own business.”
Me “Owning your own business is tough. You are responsible for everything.”
Al “I know but I want to get out of the rat race. I want to have my own business. “
The conversation would continue with me pointing out what it takes to have your own business and Al agreeing that it is not for him but he wants it anyway.
Well finally Al got the chance to own his own business, sort of. The company he worked for was sold. The new company changed his job and Al was on his own. Al had to go out and drum up business. Al had to manage his day. Al had to spend his own money to get business. Al was freaking out. Al called me often during this transition. I tried to help him but I can only help someone that wants help. It was during this time that Al finally learned that he did not want to have his own business. Al's values and his personality did not mix with owning his own business.
Al never had any specific goals about owning his own business. He just liked to say he wanted to have his own business. Al knew what it was like to own his own business from our discussions and he recognized these issues but once again he just liked to say he wanted have his own business.
I am not saying Al could not have his own business. He could have if he really wanted to. He could have if he put his mind to it. He could have if he was willing to take the risk. Al is not a risk taker. Al likes order. Al could have owned his own business if he took the idea of owning his own business seriously.
Al never sat down and considered his strengths and weaknesses. Al never looked at his values. Al did not do a lot of things that need to be done to start your own business.
Finally when Al had the chance to see what it was like to have your own business via his job change he freaked out. He got so freaked out that he actually quit his job and got a different one. He did this despite the fact that he was progressing in his current job.
You may feel like Al. But you do not have to end up like Al. You can have your own business. You must be honest with yourself. You must be serious with yourself. You must learn how to make a plan. You must learn how to do the research and business preparation. You must learn to work on your own. You must learn about taking risks. Not ice that I used the word “learn” repeatedly. Yes you can learn these things. That is what Al never understood. He never understood that he needed to and could learn these things.
So sit down with yourself and see what you know and what you need to learn. If after a truth session with yourself owning your own business is what you really want then go for it.