Do you "Pretend" to do too Much?

I have a friend, Tessa. Actually she is leaving the friend category and moving to the acquaintance category.

Let me tell you why. I have known Tessa for two years. Tessa and I met a club. Tessa volunteered for almost every position that was open at this club. I actually volunteered for one of the positions but Tessa took over. She made a statement that she had to leave early so she is volunteering for everything and then left the meeting instantly. I had no time to say anything.

I got over it. After Tessa volunteered for everything she rarely attended the club meetings. Once in a while she would pop in and say she is sorry she is busy and will get going shortly. Then we did not see her again at the meetings until she would pop in again and say the same thing.

Eventually there was a discussion of where she was and what was she doing. Did she leave the club? No one was happy with Tessa. She took on a responsibility and did not follow through.

These questions were directed at me because I was her friend. I did not want to get down on her although I had to agree with the members. She volunteered for everything and was not in attendance nor did she do what she promised. All I could say was that I would call her.

Tessa suffers from "pretending to do too much." This is true in her personal life also. If I call her to just talk she is too busy. If and when we can talk all Tessa talks about is what she has to do. Yet she rarely gets anything done. She is still attempting to do things she wanted to do two years ago. Not long range, big things. Just little every day things like cleaning a room in her house.

Once Tessa told me she has a slight (?) problem with organization and getting things done. I told her I could help her with that. She never took up the offer. Actually she was a little defensive with my offer.

When you suffer from "pretending to do too much" this is a typical reaction.

If I take apart Tessa's behavior I see a person that is disorganized, in chaos and unable to get out of that state. Thinking you are busy can allow you to run away from what is really going on in your life. I mean how can you look at much? You are too busy and you have so much to do?

This behavior is also a way to feel sorry for yourself. You set yourself up to fail and you do fail. Tessa knows she is not accomplishing anything. Every time she starts to do what she needs to a "pretend" emergency pops up and she has to take care of the "pretend" emergency. By the end of the day all she has done is deal with "pretend" emergencies.

Here is the really bizarre thing. The more Tessa "pretends" how busy she is and what she has to do the less prodcutive Tessa is. Yet Tessa does not recognize this. Likewise the less Tessa gets done the more down she is on herself. And this feeling is better to sit with than the ones she is running away from.

What a crazy way to live, but we all have been there. The problem is not that we have all been there but only if we stay there like Tessa.

So how do we get out of this whirlpool?

First off realize that volunteering to do too much will not make you important or respected. It won't. It will just piss people off if you do not follow through.

Second recognize what you really need to do and what can wait.

Third do not get distracted by "pretend" emergencies. Stick to what you decied to get done. Then do it.

Lastly stop running away from those problems that are giving you stress and sorrow. You may not be able to solve them but you must acknowledge them. If you don't you will be like Tessa. You will be running around in a circle disappointing yourself and those around you.

Next you will get angry and feel unappreciated. Next you will either get pissy or depressed. All because you "pretended" to be too busy.

Gte back into your life. You can't run away from it. It follows you wherever you go.

If you must feel important then feel important becasue you accomplished something. Not beause you volunteered for everything and then did nothing.

If you are another Tessa get help now. Here is how.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Succeed with your Goals

Remember those New Years resolutions you made. Have you kept any of them? Most likely not.

You made them with good intentions. But your follow through was lacking. New Years resolutions do not mean much if you can not carry them out.

I would guess that it is more than New Years resolutions that are not carried out. It is probably a lot of your resolutions that are not carried out.

How can you correct this? The first question is did you make too many resolutions? How about going with just one and working on that. It also must be specific. I want to loose weight is not specific. I want to loose 20 pounds is specific.

Once you have picked one specific task you need to dissect it. Break it down into daily steps. How can you go about losing 20 pounds? Diet and exercise would be a good way to go.

Now you know what you need to do. How will you do it? Will you join a gym, exercise class, outdoor exercise such as walking or will you do this at home? It can also be a combination of all three. Try to choose the one or ones that you are most likely to follow through with. If you know you will never be motivated to exercise at home do not pick that choice.

Next plan your exercise schedule. Yes you must schedule your exercise. It is best to schedule it for the same time each day. Also plan how long you will exercise. No matter how much time you plan for to start with consider that you will be upping the time in the next few weeks.

Next is the easy to say part but the hard to do part. Follow through. Start the exercise plan. If you miss a day ignore it. Continue with your schedule. Do not obsess about your progress. Focus on your schedule not the results. Keep going.

As for part two diet. This also must be a plan and a schedule. You must always plan ahead to keep on target. If you are invited out to eat check with the restaurant ahead of time what is on the menu. This way you can plan your meal. Keep planning for success not failure. Put the extra time and effort in to succeed.

Do not create a menu that will be excessively restrictive. If you must have chocolate allow yourself some chocolate. If you make your plan too rigid you will not succeed. This is how the best of intentions go awry.

If you slip keep going. Just forget about your slip. All a slip means it that it may take a little longer to reach your goal. Do not use a slip as way to stop what you are doing.

In summary, first you must establish a clear specific goal. Next you must plan daily how you will accomplish that goal. Make sure the plan is setting you up to succeed not fail.

Next you must schedule the activities you will do to achieve your goal.

Then you need to do them.

If the unexpected comes up plan around it. Do what you can to keep on your scheduled goal activities.

Ignore any slips. Keep going.

Remember to focus on your schedule, not your progress. If you keep on target progress will come.

If you think about this you will notice that you do this automatically already for the goals you reach.

Take your goals seriously. Take your schedule seriously. Focus on your efforts not the results. The results will come. Keep going.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Browse here.

Are you in Hurry?

Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point."
*Harold B. Melchart

I really like this quote. Goals are important. Goals can keep you on track. Goals can help you focus. Goals can let you discover what is really important to you. Goals can also let you see what you have accomplished and where you need to go.

But do not become blind sided by your goals. You need to enjoy yourself while you are pursuing your goals. Goals are a part of your life. So is taking a breather and noticing where you are. Noticing and enjoying where you are.

Impatience is in all of us. We are in a hurry to get where we want to be. Yet, there is a difference between urgency and being in a hurry. Urgency motivates you to do soemthing. Being in a hurry is a state of mind where the end result is the only thing that is important.

Being in a hurry can actually be an obstacle to you. If you take the time to notice where you are you will get insight. These inights help you get to where you want to go. These insights may show you that you need to revamp. These insights may show you that you need a breather. These insights may show you that are on to something.

Hurrying and rushing will not give your time to process what is happening, where you are and where you came from.

Take some time to process what you are doing. Take some time to enjoy the beauty of where you are.

While you are observing this visit this wonderful place.

Here you will find many things for your enjoyment. At this wonderful place you will find many things for your journey.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach