Get in the "Habit"

I found this great article on self confidence. I like the way Ms. Raats calls self confidence a "habit".

This article was contributed by by Lois Raats, M.Ed. Lois is a personal and corporate coach. More information on Lois can be found at http://www.coachlois.com . Article on self-confidence by Lois Raats

THE HABIT OF SELF CONFIDENCE

How can I acquire more self-confidence? How can I improve my self-esteem? I wish I could feel as "together" as everyone else seems to be...

I hear these kinds of questions and comments several times each week in my office, from some of the most outwardly successful people you could imagine.

Self-esteem is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence is the foundation for a successful life. People often believe that if they could just feel better about themselves, their lives would go so much better, they would be so much more successful.

But feeling good is not the source of self-esteem.
Rather, feeling good is the by-product of thinking the thoughts, making the choices, and developing the habits that build self-esteem.

Self-esteem is not a feeling. It's a habit. Life consists of an endless series of forks in the road. At any given moment, we are directing our energies - our attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, and habits - down the path that leads to greater self-esteem - or we're propelling ourselves in the opposite direction. It's that simple. If you suffer from low self-worth, it's a good idea to start asking yourself: "What I'm thinking, doing, or being - is it making me feel better about myself, or worse? What do I need to do differently to get me on a better path?"

The good news about this approach is that it's something anyone can learn. Have you ever learned how to ride a bike, or quit a bad habit like smoking? We're talking skills and habits here, not magic. With creativity and focus, practice and willpower, anyone can develop the skills and habits that engender high self-esteem.

I'm not especially concerned about what your background or life experience is like. Life occurs in the present moment. As the saying goes...
The past is history, The future is mystery, This moment is a gift - that's why it's called "The Present"!

If you begin to channel your energy now in the direction you want to go, you will get there, a step at a time.

Stepping Stones to Self-Esteem #1: Self-Awareness
The first step toward improving self-esteem is to gradually begin to increase one's level of self-awareness A person can do this simply by noticing what's currently happening in several areas of their experience.

Since your body never lies, start by noticing any physical sensations related to your current situation, such as shortness of breath, tightness in your neck, shoulders, or back, butterflies in your stomach, headaches or body aches. For example, one of my clients, let's call him Ian, notices that when work starts piling up he gets tense in the shoulders. If he doesn't reorganize his priorities he starts to feel queasy much of the time. If he allows this pattern to continue he starts to have difficulty sleeping. However, if he can catch this pattern at its onset through self-awareness, he then has a choice. Ian can begin to choose the path of caring for and esteeming himself, and he can refrain from neglecting himself and his needs.

Next, notice any feelings you have: anxiety, sadness, panic, anger, elation. If you're not well-acquainted with your feelings, write me an email, and I'll send you a list of feeling words. Feelings emerge spontaneously from the body, so once you're clued in to your body signals, you can attach a word to the sensation that describes how you're feeling. The feeling words Ian attaches to his "tight shoulder" sensation are fear, anger, sadness, and being overwhelmed. Feelings can also be experienced as images or metaphors. Ian says that he often feels "like a tiny boat adrift in huge waves".

Now notice your thoughts. Thoughts are an incredibly important contributor to self-esteem or lack thereof. The good news about thoughts is that they can be controlled. You can use your will to direct your thoughts once you become more self-aware.

Unfortunately, many people are unaware of the extent to which their thoughts are influencing how they feel. We all have a running tape that plays a continuous stream of thoughts in the back of our minds. When Ian gets overwhelmed, he starts to think things like, "What if I can't get this all done by Friday?" "I'm such an idiot, I should be better organized...how come other people in my office seem to get their stuff done by the end of the day?" "I'll never figure this out..." As he becomes more self-aware, he will be able to notice these thoughts before they start to drag him down, and he can choose to substitute more helpful thoughts in their place.

What kinds of tapes do you have playing in the back of your mind? I've found that most people with self-esteem problems are endlessly critical about themselves, worried about what other people think of them, and often worry about what's going to happen next. As part of your self-awareness project, record these thoughts in a little notebook and over time you can begin to replace them with something better.

Lastly, notice your behaviors. What activities are you engaged in that are doing little or nothing for you? What are you currently doing that builds you up? How's your health? Are there people in your life that know you well - and if not, how can you begin to develop a support system? We all need some blend of positive relationships, satisfying work, and fun activities to keep our emotional tanks topped up.

Ian notices that when he begins to feel tanked out due to stress at work he comes home and flakes out on the couch. But when he thinks about it he realizes that while this is relaxing, it isn't really satisfying. Flaking out isn't helping him develop a life that meets his needs or fulfills his values. He's currently re-thinking these choices and making a list of activities that are both relaxing and meaningful. So far, he's considering going to the gym, taking out a few books from the library, or calling a friend.

Habits are merely thoughts and behaviors played out over time. Develop the habit of positive thoughts and helpful behaviors, and, before you know it, you will be feeling good about yourself and your life.

This article was contributed by by Lois Raats, M.Ed. Lois is a personal and corporate coach. More information on Lois can be found at http://www.coachlois.com . Article on self-confidence by Lois Raats
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Can you change your habits? Can you develop new habits that make your life better?

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

PS Questions and comments are always welcome.

www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com

What is Your Emotional Program?

FREE YOURSELF

Did you know that you have been programmed to think and act the way you do? Did you also know that you can re program the way you think and act?

How does this work?

Something happens - your boss yells at you

You have a reaction to this event - you believe your boss should not have yelled at you

Your reaction to this event is emotional - you feel angry

That is the chain of events that have been programmed into you. If you can re program yourself the possibilities are endless. For example:

Something happens - your boss yells at you

You are re programmed and you have a new reaction to this event - you wonder why your boss is in such a bad mood

You are re programmed and your reaction to this event is different - you are not angry at your boss. you want to find out why your boss yelled at you.

Think about how much happier and easier your day would be if you could re program your thoughts. Think about all the energy you waste getting lost in your emotions. Think about all the times your emotions have held you back. Think about all the experiences you missed out on due to your programming.

Think about all the times your emotions interfered with you doing what you wanted to do. Think about how badly you felt when you "acted out." Think about how badly your family felt when you "acted out." Think about all the times you had to say you were sorry because you hurt someone when you acted out.

What if you could put a stop to this? Would you be willing to end this misery? I know you want to live a better, happier, more joyous life. I know you want to be in control of how you behave. I know you want to be in control of what you say. I know you want to stop the pain.

I also know there are things you want to achieve. I know that your emotions and programming are holding you back. I know you can break free and re program your mind to have the life you deserve.

Here is the answer.

http://www.selfimprovementtoolshop.com/SubconsciousProgramming.html

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

The Narcissism Study (?)

I have been hearing a lot about the "narcissism" study. I tried to stay out of it but I just could not control myself.





The colloquial definition of narcissism is:
An excessive preoccupation with one’s own personal importance, or with achieving one’s own chosen goals rather than bonding with others, or with associating only with others whom one chooses. Sometimes psychologists associate narcissism with psychopathology and lack of conscience, but this need not be the case. But there may be lack of emotional empathy or bonding with others.



Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.Erotic pleasure derived from contemplation or admiration of one's own body or self, especially as a fixation on or a regression to an infantile stage of development.The attribute of the human psyche characterized by admiration of oneself but within normal limits.






From a psychological stand point a narcissistic personality is defined as:


Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one's self.





Additionally


Symptoms
A person with narcissistic personality disorder:
Reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame, or humiliation


Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals


Has feelings of self-importance


Exaggerates achievements and talents


Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love


Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment


Requires constant attention and admiration


Lacks empathy


Overreacts to criticism, becoming angry or humiliated


Uses others to reach goals


Exaggerates own importance


Entertains unrealistic fantasies about achievements, power, beauty, intelligence or romance


Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment


Seeks constant attention and positive reinforcement from others


Is easily jealous


Has a sense of entitlement


Is interpersonally exploitative


Displays arrogant, haughty behaviours



People who have a narcissistic personality style rather than narcissistic personality disorder are generally psychologically healthy, but may at times be arrogant, proud, shrewd, confident, self-centered and determined to be at the top. They do not, however, have an unrealistic image of their skills and worth and are not dependent on praise to sustain a healthy self-esteem.





I did some research on the "narcissism study". I only found these statements publicized that the researchers (?) so far based their conclusion on.





The NPI is based on results from 1982-2006 of college students’ reactions to statements such as “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place,” “I think I am a special person” and “I can live my life any way I want to.”
The new report follows a study released by UCLA last month which found that nearly three-quarters of the freshmen it surveyed thought it was important to be "very well-off financially." That compared with 62.5 percent who said the same in 1980 and 42 percent in 1966.





Looking at these three questions I think the conclusions drawn are spurious. The study periods appear to be 1966, 1980 and 2006. There is no consistency between these time periods. This is not a study that was done for example every ten years.





The first statement, "If I ruled the world, it would be a better place"


When I think about this statement a yes answer can reflect:


Dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs.


A lack of optimism.


A feeling of pessimism.


Belief the world could be a better place if others ideas were considered.





Next statement, "I think I am a special person"


Aren't we all special?


Should we loathe ourselves?


If we do not think we are special how can we appreciate others?


What about the adage, "God helps those that help themselves?"


Doesn't this show confidence and a belief in ourselves to make our own way?





Next statement, "I can live my life the way I want?"


More expressions of confidence


Feeling that you have control over your life


Not a victim


Not a whiner





"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them." George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950


Note the date of this quote 1856-1950 way before the study (?)





Statement. "It is important to be well off financially."


Just check out the news. We all need money. The government is not going to help us. We all need to work longer and longer. Good bye social security, if you could even support yourself from it. We may be taking care of and supporting our elder parents. Medical costs are skyrocketing. The cost of a car is including, insurance, property taxes and gas is huge. Oil prices are up. Credit card interest rates are over the top. Education costs a fortune.





Is it any wonder people think it is important to be financially well off? And by the way what does financially well off mean?





The reason I am including this today is:


Think for yourself. A confident person does some research before they regurgitate buzz info. Do your homework before you revere "experts."





Keep an open mind. A confident person does not just jump on any trendy bandwagon. They think first.





Always be a student. A confident person learns from information.

Perhaps the "researchers" of this study are narcissistic.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

Are you an Al?

Getting to Know Yourself
I have a friend, Al. I have known him for many years. Al worked for some major corporations in mid level positions. He was not particularly ambitious. He just coasted along. He was rarely promoted. He got pay raises based on seniority. He did not enjoy his work nor his job. He had to support himself and he stayed where he landed. He rarely looked for other jobs. Yet whenever we spoke he told me how much he wanted to have his own business. From time to time he would send me proposals of businesses he was looking at. He even asked me to be his partner.
Our conversations about him owning his own business were always the same old thing.
Me “I don't think you have the stomach to own your own business.”
Al “Yes I guess you are right but I want to own my own business.”
Me “Owning your own business is tough. You are responsible for everything.”
Al “I know but I want to get out of the rat race. I want to have my own business. “
The conversation would continue with me pointing out what it takes to have your own business and Al agreeing that it is not for him but he wants it anyway.
Well finally Al got the chance to own his own business, sort of. The company he worked for was sold. The new company changed his job and Al was on his own. Al had to go out and drum up business. Al had to manage his day. Al had to spend his own money to get business. Al was freaking out. Al called me often during this transition. I tried to help him but I can only help someone that wants help. It was during this time that Al finally learned that he did not want to have his own business. Al's values and his personality did not mix with owning his own business.
Al never had any specific goals about owning his own business. He just liked to say he wanted to have his own business. Al knew what it was like to own his own business from our discussions and he recognized these issues but once again he just liked to say he wanted have his own business.
I am not saying Al could not have his own business. He could have if he really wanted to. He could have if he put his mind to it. He could have if he was willing to take the risk. Al is not a risk taker. Al likes order. Al could have owned his own business if he took the idea of owning his own business seriously.
Al never sat down and considered his strengths and weaknesses. Al never looked at his values. Al did not do a lot of things that need to be done to start your own business.
Finally when Al had the chance to see what it was like to have your own business via his job change he freaked out. He got so freaked out that he actually quit his job and got a different one. He did this despite the fact that he was progressing in his current job.
You may feel like Al. But you do not have to end up like Al. You can have your own business. You must be honest with yourself. You must be serious with yourself. You must learn how to make a plan. You must learn how to do the research and business preparation. You must learn to work on your own. You must learn about taking risks. Not ice that I used the word “learn” repeatedly. Yes you can learn these things. That is what Al never understood. He never understood that he needed to and could learn these things.
So sit down with yourself and see what you know and what you need to learn. If after a truth session with yourself owning your own business is what you really want then go for it.

Enjoy Your Work

This is a great article if you are considering starting your own business. It is by Joel Garfinkle.

WORK HARD NO MORE
In a recent survey of 180,000 American workers, more than 80% indicated an intense dislike for their jobs. This is truly a sad reflection on an activity that absorbs a major portion of our lives.

Maybe it's time for a conscious reassessment of our philosophy towards work. It seems to me that many of us are simply working too hard with too little to show for our labor.
Why are we influenced to "work so hard?" One client recently related to me, "I've never been afraid to work hard in order to get the pie in the sky I've always dreamed of. I've always been focused on what I want from life and doing the things I think I need to do in order to get there. Thus, I believe putting in long hours now will help me obtain a level of financial security that will give me the freedom not to work so hard in the future."

As you can see, hard work is such a strong, deep-seated value in today's competitive workplace that it refuses to let go. Many of my clients enjoy the work they do, but deep down they think they need to work even harder in order to meet specific goals such as achieving financial security. Their entire universe revolves around working hard, rather than using work as a vehicle to achieve personal fulfillment from both their careers and personal lives.
For all of you who are working too hard, I have one important question: "What is your rate of return?" In the financial world, the annual rate of return is justified in terms of profits yielded on the initial amount of capital invested. Quite simply, if there is little rate of return then the money invested was wasted.

In gauging personal fulfillment on the job, rate of return translates into the amount of time you have to spend working hard to reach a projected outcome. Whether you want to spend more time with your family, take early retirement, or enjoy your dream vacation, if you're working more and still not achieving your most important objectives, then all your sweat is wasted.
For all of my clients looking to escape this dead end scenario, I ask them to evaluate their workday in terms of three words impacting them the most on a daily basis:
Active
Doing
Pursuing

When you work too hard your career is all about being active, doing, and pursuing your goals. You are constantly accumulating unnecessary baggage and reinforcing stale ideas. The key to positive change is to practice doing the exact opposite. The opposite of active, for example, is inactive For doing, it's being; and for pursuing, it's being comfortable with what you already have, rather than searching for something else.

So how do we move beyond feeling our only work enjoyment occurs at the morning coffee break, lunch, quitting time, happy hour, and payday? Will Rogers believed that in order to succeed, "You must know what you are doing, like what you are doing, and believe in what you are doing." His suggestions deserve a closer look.

KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
All too many people approach their jobs like a mosquito in a nudist camp...they see lots of opportunity but can't decide where to start. Instead, place your primary emphasis on the most fulfilling parts of your job. Apply your talents. Become an expert. Excel.

LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
What most of my coaching clients come to realize is that if they are participating in activities they really enjoy, then work doesn't seem so much like work. In other words, the secret to happiness, success, satisfaction, and fulfillment through our jobs is not doing what we like, but liking what we do.

BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
In general, successful people are not in a job looking for something to do. They choose their profession in order to accomplish something meaningful. This prerequisite is difficult to explain to those poor souls sitting back and watching the clock until it's "Miller time." But the fortunate individuals who are working to satisfy their deepest passions, rather than for an hourly wage, know exactly what it means. Any satisfaction, fun, and fulfillment you experience on the job are fringe benefits you give yourself.

The secret to transforming your daily "have-to-do's" into "want-to-do's" is to find answers to two very important questions: (1) What do I want from my life's work? and (2) What am I willing to do to make it happen? Therein rests the self-fulfilling formula we need to love our jobs and never have to work another day for the rest of our lives.

Copyright 2004, Joel Garfinkle, All Rights ReservedJoel Garfinkle leads managers and executives to higher levels of professional and personal achievement. Partial client list includes: BofA, HP, GAP, Citigroup, and Eli Lilly. Visit Joel on the web at Garfinkle Executive Coaching.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

How to handle Business Calls

Phone Calls
How do you handle phone calls? Phone calls are important. They are your way of communicating. There may be customers calling. There may be vendors calling. If you let your calls go to voice mail then you may engage in phone tag. If you answer each call you may be interrupted and not get your work done.
I have friend that answers every call even if she is on a call. This works for her. It works for her because she trained herself to do this. She is the queen of multitasking. Multi tasking is doing many things at once. You can learn to multi task and it may work fine for you. If you do not loose your train of thought with constant interruptions then this is the way for you to go.
If multitasking is not your specialty then you will need to devise another way of handling calls. I had a business associate that devoted a time of day every day to handling calls. They blocked out three hours where they answered every call. During these there hours they made outgoing calls also. They placed a message on their voice mail that said they well be available for calls between the hours of 1pm to 3pm. This can be limiting and you can still end up playing phone tag.
Another idea is to divide your tasks by how much concentration they will require. You can send your calls to voice mail for the short period of time you are working on a high concentration task. Or you can do this high concentration task during off business hours. Perhaps you can wake up early a few days a week for these high concentration tasks. Or you can work on them in the evening.
If the high concentration task requires a large period of time perhaps you can divide it up so you can work on it for shorter periods of time.
There is also the option of using e mail for some of your communications. I want to caution you about e mail. It is written and permanent. Be careful with how you word your message. Make them short and polite. They are excellent for anything you want put in writing. Do not use them to avoid talking to someone. Use them is you have a brief communication such as an update. It is not advisable to use them to return a phone call. It is okay to use them if you are the initiator of the communication. E mails should not replace personal contact. They are in addition to personal contact.
No matter what strategy you use there are certain absolutes in business calls and calling. Try to keep your phone conversation brief. Keep it on point. These are business calls not personal calls. Business calls have a different etiquette than personal calls. Your time is valuable and so is the person's time you are talking with. Friendliness and politeness can be limited to , “Hi, how are you. Or Hi, Thanks for....” Keep it short and simple. Be clear and state your point quickly.
Phone contact is necessary. Valuable use of your time is also necessary. Devise a way to make the most of both.

Marcia, Your Confidence Coach

BUSINESS CONFESSION

I am a believer in honesty and truth. The minute I saw this in writing I felt the need to qualify it. I am not the type of person to tell you my life story in detail. If you ask I will answer with discretion.

Some things are personal and I may not even discuss them with close friends.
I have a good reason for this. If this personal thing involves a third person that we both will be associating with in the future I will probably not discuss it. The reason being I will probably get over my problem with the third person. But will the friend I discuss it with get over it? If they don't when the three of us get together it could be a problem. Here is an example. I had a friend, Katie. She was married and she was not getting along with her husband. Actually she was quite angry with him. In her fit of anger she told me he was not the father of their child and he did not know it. That ruined our friendship. Every time we went out and I kept looking at her husband and thinking, “You are not the father of this child.” I could not get it out of my head. It was too big of a burden for me.

So here is my confession. I have just started a new business. You need to have a strong stomach to start a business. You need to stay level headed. You can not jump to conclusions. You need to access, watch and revamp.

Things were going well with my new business. Then things started to slow down. When things started to slow down I started to do more. I upgraded my work load to get things moving again. Unfortunately my upgrade was not producing the results I expected. I was puzzled. I believed that my upgrade was correct. I believed my upgrade would show results.
So what happened. I took a little time to think, plan and meditate. I checked in with some people I respect to get their take. This is always of value to me. I think this is of value to anyone. Sometimes you can get stuck in your thinking and planning and outsiders can be a breath of fresh air. The discouraging part was that the outsider check in did not stimulate any new ideas for me.

I do not like to be discouraged. I do not like to be stuck. But I was. So I went back to drawing board and started from the beginning. I did not want to do this but I knew I had to do this. I had to figure out where the problem was. I can become a detective when this happens. That is also something that can be of value to you. A problem is like a mystery. I f you pretend you are a detective you can get on with solving the mystery. It will not help to pretend you are a detective if you are not persistent Persistence is the cornerstone to having a business. You must be persistent You must stay on the case. You must find the solution.

Once I went back to the beginning it took me a couple of minutes to find the problem. It was a serious problem but one that could be easily fixed. So here is my confession. For one short moment I was discouraged. I doubted myself. I made an assumption. It was a false assumption. For that one short moment I was in agony. Does this happen to you? Please learn from my confession. Before you doubt yourself go back and do your homework. Do the research and find the solution. Don't be in agony. Do not react emotionally. Business and emotions do not mix well. Business takes a thinker, an analyzer. Business people need to keep a clear head.
Get clear. Stay clear. Don't jump to conclusions. Make your business rock.

Marcia, Your confidence Coach

PS For more help on this check out my links.